Thunderstorm
by katiecat23
Summary: AU after Kensi returns from Afghanistan. Broken and lost within herself, she doesn't know how to cope, until the person who just recovered himself comes back to rescue her too.


**Thunderstorm**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own NCIS: LA.

XXX

She had been restless for days. They all could see it carved in her features, but no one dared to speak. Perhaps they were waiting for Hetty to step in, or maybe for her partner to call her out. Still, no one took the first step. They were afraid, if they were to be honest, and frankly, she was glad they were staying away. She couldn't accept their help just yet, but everyone knew something had to be done about the fact staring them blatantly in the face.

Despite her protestations and terribly spoken lies, Kensi Blye was nowhere near _fine_. She was as far away from fine as one could get.

She had acted okay for two weeks before the pressure started weighing down on her. She woke up screaming in the middle of the night. Mangled faces of those she loved danced behind her closed eyes. Sleep no longer became an option, at least not at night. Her eating habits were the next to go, Deeks noticed. Sweets were hardly ever consumed and real food even less so. He knew he had to step in. It wasn't until a routine mission nearly turned into a trip to the hospital that he finally cracked.

They were alone in the bullpen going through week-old paperwork when he spoke. The guys had gone home, and it was just him and his partner. "Hey Kens?" he said. She looked up.

"What's up, Deeks?" He noticed how detached her voice sounded; how unlike Kensi this was. It scared him.

"I, um...I think we need to talk."

She frowned. "Talk about what?"

_Don't play this game, _he mentally begged, but instead took a deep breath and plowed through. "Kensi, I need to be honest with you right now. I know you haven't been sleeping or eating, or much of anything to help your body function. I'm worried about you, and I know everyone else is too. I've been where you are, and I know it's a bad place. But Kens, I can't have you doing this to yourself. You're going to get yourself or one of us killed, and I'm not going to let that happen. Let me help you. Please."

She shook her head, determined, but Deeks thought he detected a glimmer of fear in her eyes. "I'm fine, really. You don't need to worry about me."

He tried to keep his budding anger in check as he spoke. "Don't lie. I know you're not fine, you know you're not fine...hell, _fine_ is not an adjective that you should be using at all. I'm not blind, Kensi. I know what you're going through, and ignoring it won't help you. You almost got shot today because you were so out of it. I know you want us all to believe that you're fine, and I know you want to be fine. The truth is you're not. And you need to deal with that."

Kensi's hands shook as they gripped the edge of her desk. Deeks could tell that he was slowly breaking her, and he hated himself for it, but she needed to understand what she was doing to herself. It was clear in the vagueness of her gaze, the clumsiness in her normally flawless movements. The way she jumped at sudden sounds. It was in the hollowness in her voice, her absence in conversations. She was not normal.

When she raised her eyes to his, the small glimpse of fear he had detected before had magnified. "Deeks," she said quietly, nearly begging. "Just let me deal with this. I'm okay. Don't get involved, please. It's not worth it."

"The hell it's not worth it!" he exclaimed, a little louder than intended. Kensi jumped slightly at his voice. "Kensi, you're my partner, and I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. Let me help you."

It was now her turn to get angry. Her emotions had been pretty dull of late, but this was a touchy topic. "It's none of your business," she snapped. "I don't need help, I just need time. Leave it _alone._"

"I can't do that, Kensi." He knew his being stubborn wasn't helping the issue, but he wasn't going to drop it. He cared too much, though he was loath to admit it aloud. She meant the world to him and then some and he couldn't bear to see her destroy herself like this.

Getting fed up with Deeks' hero attitude; Kensi stood up and slung her bag over her shoulder. "Drop it. I don't want to talk about it, so just leave it – and me – the hell alone." With that, she stalked out of OSP. The last thing Deeks heard was the rushing of rain water outside before the door slammed shut.

Groaning in aggravation and defeat, Deeks buried his face in his hands. Why was he so great at screwing everything up with her? God forbid he be allowed to show some care for his partner. Why wouldn't she just let him in? _Look how long it took for _you_ to let _her _in, _he reminded himself, which of course just made him even more frustrated. He just wanted to help her; be the person she could talk to and confide in when she needed it. He would even resort to being a punching bag; she already used him for that enough when she _wasn't_ emotionally traumatized. Unfortunately for him, Kensi was too protective to open up like that. She was always like that, and was unlikely to change any time soon.

He was too busy burying himself in his own thoughts to notice that Hetty had appeared in the bullpen with him. She cleared her throat and he looked up, surprised. "Are you alright, Mr. Deeks? I figured you would have headed home already."

"Just thinking, Hetty," he said, rubbing his face. She frowned at him, and he felt like she was staring into his soul. It had the desired effect, for he found himself blurting out, "I'm worried about Kensi."

"And you have every right to be," Hetty agreed. "I take it she does not care for your sentiments?"

"She keeps saying she's fine. You've seen her, Hetty; she's _not _fine! I want to help her, or at least get her to talk to me, but she keeps shutting me out. She's going to hurt herself if she keeps this up." Sighing angrily, Deeks returned his face to his hands. "I don't want her to go through all of the crap I put myself through when I was in her position."

His boss sighed too, albeit much quieter. "She has been through a lot, Mr. Deeks."

"I know, but that doesn't mean she deserves the punishment she's giving herself. She's not eating, not sleeping...anything. She's always out of it. She almost got herself killed today, and I'm not going to stand by and let her crumble to nothing." Deeks looked up at Hetty, his eyes begging, _what do I do?_

"You care about Kensi?" A question, but also a statement. He nodded anyway. "Go find her, Mr. Deeks. She will heal in time, like you, but she may need a little help. You two are more similar than you may think. Whether she will admit it or not, she needs your help."

Deeks asked, "Hetty, are you sure?"

"Do you doubt me? Go." She gestured toward the doors out of OSP, and he nodded. Gathering up his things, he made his way toward the door, stopping only to call out 'thank you' to Hetty. She watched him leave before returning to her desk, hoping that this could help to fix the mess she had made of Kensi Blye.

XXX

After storming out on Deeks, Kensi had gone straight home, allowing the ride back to calm her down. By the time she had reached her apartment, all of her anger had dissipated and she was back to her comatose, depressive state. She knew her partner was right about her needing help, but she was too scared and ashamed of herself to admit it. She was falling apart and she was filled to bursting with emotions, but she didn't know what to do with herself.

Ten minutes of self-loathing at her apartment was too much for her, saying all she could think about beside her own sorry state was Deeks. She got into her car and took off, not sure where she was headed, just as long as it was away from her empty apartment. When she finally stopped her car, Kensi realized she had driven herself to the beach. She had watched Deeks surf here many times, and it was a place they sometimes shared. Ignoring the fact that it was still down-pouring, she removed her socks and shoes, rolled up her jeans, and walked out onto the sand.

The salty smell of the sea wafted up to greet her as she neared the water. The rain was warm on her face, and she could hear the distant rumbling of thunder in the distance. Closing her eyes, Kensi tilted her face up to the sky. She allowed the crashing and breaking of the waves to soothe her and within minutes she was soaked, but relaxed nevertheless. She wiggled her toes in the sand and couldn't help but remember the five months she had spent caked in the damn stuff, thousands of miles away from home. Those were probably the worst five months of her life, as she spent every minute suspecting everyone and trusting no one. Then she had gotten her chance to shoot the White Ghost and go home...but the Ghost was Jack, and to hell with Hetty for sending her there.

The time spent captured with Jack was one of the worst decisions she had made over there. Being faced with old memories, raw emotions, and the wonderful world of torture was not how she had ever imagined seeing Jack again. While she was captive, in between beatings for information and emotional threats yelled at her ex-fiancé, Kensi just thought of Deeks. She thought of seeing him every day; his shaggy hair and terrible, smile-inducing jokes, and his God-awful taste in food trucks. It was what had got her through.

Now that she was back at home in LA, everything was catching up to her. She _had_ been fine – at first. The nightmares were her downfall, and everything had worsened from there. In all honesty, she was scared to death at the idea that she had almost died earlier. She was getting clumsy. Deeks was completely right when he told her she needed help. If only she wasn't so scared to ask for it, then maybe she'd really be fine. Kensi's tears began to mingle with the rain water streaming down her face. She stared out into the ocean, crying heavily, feeling so very, very small.

XXX

Deeks arrived at Kensi's apartment only to find her gone. Mentally cursing at no one in particular, he began to wonder where she had gone. Where would she go to be alone besides home? He knew his lonely place was the beach, but Kensi wasn't him. Hetty's words of _you two are more similar than you may think _floated back to him, and he took that as motivation to check the beach. Kensi would definitely be alone there; even most die-hard surfers wouldn't be out in this weather.

He saw her car as he pulled up, and he thanked anyone willing to listen for finding her. He too shed his footwear and rolled his jeans up before getting out of his car. The rain rolled down his face as he scanned the beach, until he made out Kensi's silhouette down by the water's edge. He walked down through the wet sand, making no move to call out to her until her was about five feet behind her. She was staring out at no specific point near the horizon, and through the thinning torrent of rain, he could make out the shaking of her shoulders as she cried into the protection of the rain.

Ignoring his rational thoughts telling him to stay put, Deeks walked forward until he stood beside his partner. Kensi visibly jumped when she noticed his presence. "Deeks, what the hell are you doing here?" She tried to sound angry, but the only emotions conveyed in her question were sadness and a distinct feeling of lost-ness.

_I could ask you the same question, _he thought, but said instead, "I wanted to find you and make sure you were okay."

Her mouth opened to say, _Of course I'm okay_, but she wouldn't be crying on a beach in the rain if she really was. Her mouth closed when she found no words to speak, and she dropped her gaze to the sand at her feet. Wet tendrils of hair fell across her face. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "You don't need to apologize, Kens. I know it's hard to deal with all of this. Just please let me help you."

Using what little courage she still possessed, Kensi raised her head to look at Deeks. It pained his heart to see how broken she looked. Her soaked clothes hung off her body, making her appear much smaller than normal. Her face was wet with rain and tears, her eyes rimmed with red and wallowing in grief and self-despair. "I don't know what to do anymore," she admitted quietly, her voice floating on the wind. "Marty, I don't know what's wrong with me, I...this isn't me..."

He saw her lip began to tremble, and pulled her close as she began to cry again in earnest. She was soaked to the bone, but he didn't care. Holding her to his chest, his chin on the crown of her head, he allowed her to let out all of her pain that she had been holding back. "Shh, it's okay, Kensi," he whispered. "I've got you." She gripped his shirt tightly in her fists, wondering how she deserved a guy like Deeks.

Around them, the rain began to let up and the thunder faded to a distant rumble. They still stood there when the storm finally ended; two sopping wet people on the beach, clutching each other for comfort. Kensi eventually cried herself out, and rested her head on Deeks' chest, staring out into the ocean. He stroked her hair silently.

She was the first to speak. "Thank you for finding me."

"You know I'm always here for you," he reminded her. "No matter what it is, you can come to me." She found herself smiling against his chest before letting out a tired sigh.

"I still don't know what to do with myself. I mean, I know I can get back to physical normality, but the nightmares...I don't know how to deal with them." Kensi's voice caught as she spoke of her nightly terrors aloud for the first time. "It's not just stuff from Afghanistan that I relive...I see you guys too – Sam and Callen, Eric and Nell, even Hetty...but mostly...mostly you. After all I've lost...I don't want to lose you too."

Deeks pulled back and rested his hands on her shoulders. Her gaze shyly met his. "Kensi, you're not going to lose me, okay? I promise." He was welcomed with a smile; a small smile, but a pure Kensi Blye smile nonetheless. "C'mon, we're soaked. Let's go home, 'kay?"

"Sounds like a plan," she agreed. They walked up the beach side by side, and halfway up she found herself reaching for his hand. He gripped hers tightly in return. When they reached their cars, they stood awkwardly; neither wanting to leave the other but both desperately wanting to go home and sleep.

"I'll follow you back to your apartment," Deeks suggested. "To make sure you get back okay." Kensi agreed, and soon they were on their way. Almost all of her nerves had fallen away, blown away with the storm that had been raining on her only ten minutes ago. She pulled up to her apartment a few minutes later, her partner right behind her. She got out of her car and he did too, and he leaned against his car as she walked to her front door. It was late, and she was tired, but Kensi turned back to her partner anyway.

Nervously, she called, "Do you want to stay?"

"You sure?" he asked. Not trusting her voice or her emotions, she just nodded. Her partner was beside her in a second. She opened the door, and after a few comments about the state of her messy apartment, the two of them settled down onto her couch, beer in hand. They easily slipped into their normal after-work hangout routine. The storm inside her had passed. Even when she fell asleep an hour later, wrapped protectively in his arms, it still felt right. And for the first time in months, there were no nightmares.


End file.
